May 102013
 
 Posted by on May 10, 2013

I have in my collection of knick knacks and associated ephemera a trans-dimensional gateway manufactured by Fisher Price. I know, Fisher Price makes toys for kids. However, Fisher Price is owned by Mattel which in turn is owned by General Dynamics, which is currently the fourth largest defense manufacturer in the world. Please don’t press me on where I have obtained this information, needless to say, it is out there for the knowing if you choose to look.

Anyhow, back to the trans-dimensional gateway. This gateway is marketed under the name “Laugh and Learn Learning Home” (http://www.toysrus.com/buy/baby-toys/interactive-toys/fisher-price-laugh-learn-learning-home-playset-c6327-2265260). It appears to be some sort of device that might teach a toddler how to open a door, push some shapes through a hole, pick up their mail (which would invariably be bills), and other citizen-type activities. Innocuous enough I guess. But ask yourself, why would a toy have, as its main focus, a door just plopped in the middle of anywhere. Think about it, why would the toddler, possessing some modicum of common sense not merely walk around the door? There is infinite space on either side of the door, but to go through the door would require effort, coordination, and concentration. Fisher Price is well aware that the majority of Americans would typically take the path of least resistance, so why the door? In addition, why, oh why does it need batteries??

This has led me to the unavoidable conclusion that this is, indeed a trans-dimensional gateway. This is not to say that if the toddler passes through the door that anything particularly amazing would happen. This gateway needs a key or a jumpstart or something. I have brought it to a electric car charging station and crossed the wires with the battery terminals to no avail. I obtained a flux capacitor from a local junk yard, put the gate in the back seat and drove 88 mph. Other than a traffic ticket, nothing. I also found a number of ancient Egyptian characters and put them in the correct order according to Stargate. Other than a warning that somehow came through my iPod from Ra himself that I should let him rest, nothing.

Near the end of my wits, I awoke from a particularly difficult dream about Air Purifiers and genetic sequencing, and I came upon the idea. Using common household products, I could create an energy of such magnitude that it just had to work. I went down to the garage, put the plan into action and lo and behold, it WORKED. I placed the gateway in my front yard, started the contraption and opened a GATEWAY. It was open for about 6.4 seconds, long enough for me to snap a picture. I have included that proof for you. Now I will readily admit, there is some Photoshop involved in the picture. I do not want to give the general public the key to creating the energy force lest it be used for anything other than opening trans-dimensional gateways, so I took it out of the shot. The gateway closed in a colossal flash of light and I have not been able to open it since. Hence I am selling this as a non operational gateway.

So if you choose to use this as it is intended by the Fisher Price company, you are free to do so. It lights up and does all the silly non-gateway functions it is supposed to; $25 and it’s yours. My wife would like me to sell it because she informs me that I have three children and that I should spend some time with them.

Thanks.

Slight Disclaimer: I cannot be held responsible for your attempts to reopen the gate. Additionally, the Learning Home comes with some accessories (balls, mail, shapes) that I am looking for (they may have gone to the “other side”). So I don’t have everything at the moment.